I can not adequately tell you all of the preparation that went into me meeting with Mike. No, not that day- although I did take great care in getting ready. (New white suit jacket, bright pink lacy cami, my new dark jeans and cute low-heel, closed-toed, cream Steve Maddens. ;) The years God spent preparing me for that night. Starting with a wonderful family who supports and listens to me. Adding spectacular friends who have walked through life's journey with me, holding my hands and pushing me on. Finishing off with the last two years of my life here in Durango. The two years I spent here were like a life-sucking parasite on me. I hated it. I knew God was doing something in me, and I am only now beginning to see the affects of what He has done. I knew I was going through a refining process. It was too painful to be anything else. Too lonely, too barren a place to be anything else than a divine appointment in the desert. Sometimes God has to get us to the point of being completely stripped down, to the very core of our being, to encourage that new growth in Him. We don't see it clearly, and definitely don't appreciate it as much as we should. I can't tell you the number of times I cried to Karin and Jennifer and my mother about how utterly without hope I was. But God is good, and in those times where the night seems the darkest, and the daylight seems so far away, there, is His Spirit the sweetest. A comforting warmth in the midst of the icy darkness. If you are there right now, in the middle of that inky blackness, I tell you, intrepid soul, hold on. He is there, right where you need Him. Don't give up, don't loose faith, and don't give back the ground you have worked so hard to gain. Hold on.
Anywhat- oh, yeah, I say anywhat now, because anywho has been done to death- anywhat, the road was long to that night in April. I had "joked" in the past that my next relationship had to be the "ONE", because I had had every kind of relationship you could have. The unrequited love, the young love, the first boy-girl relationship including holding hands, the guy from summer camp that cheats on you and doesn't tell you, the guy you go out with because he buys you stuff, and the guy that truly breaks your heart. I had, without really saying it, told God "No more, until he's the one." I'm not a girl that dates for fun. I think that is just a waste of time, emotion, and chocolate. I have wanted to be a wife since I was 10, and a mom since I was 12. I was done playing any kind of game. I wanted His best, no matter what. And I wasn't willing to sacrifice.
Now, let me just say right now, that was not always easy. I have gotten plenty of weird looks from women; married or single, inexperienced or veteran, young or otherwise, hopeless romantics or hopeless realists, it didn't matter. The minute I open my mouth and share what I want out of a marriage, and what I think a marriage can truly look like, I get one of two responses. The ones who sigh, "Yeah, that'd be nice." Or the ones who inwardly scoff, and say, "Good luck with that." Either are discouraging, and neither are hopeful. Yet, I endured. I held onto my vision, not really knowing if I'd ever find it, but not willing to let it go. Sometimes, some things are too important. If you have let go of your vision, pushed it to the wayside, decided the road to it was too hard or too painful, you can go back. Jesus, in His divine mercy and grace, ever reaches out to us, offering that freedom of walking with Him. His yolk is not heavy, and His burdens are light. I had to get to a point in my walk with Him, as well as in my love life, where I put my foot down, and turned my back on the past. Pursue Him until he gives you a reason to walk away. He won't ever give you one.
Well, thanks for sticking with me, this really is about the day I got ready to meet Mike. I just choose to see it as more involved and messy than most people would. I did get ready that afternoon, and as I showered and plucked, primped and preened, I prayed. "Lord, whatever. Whatever You want. I could really use a guy friend, I've been missing those. But if this is supposed to be more, it is going to be in Your hands, Your timing, Your will. I want what You want. Please just let him be comfortable around me. That's all I want. I don't know where he's at, but please just let us be comfortable with each other." How profound that prayer was, looking back. Sometimes the small and simple ones mean the most.
I'm devious. All girls are, but in their own, uniquely devious way. I am terrible devious. I had decided that I was going to be late. Hey, for those of you who know me, being late is not a shocking thing, I'm always late. Being late is being on time. But this time, I planned for it. I would leave 5 minutes late, just to make him sweat. At 6:50, I decided this was a terrible plan, but it was too late. By the time I drove across town, through Saturday evening traffic, and found a place to park, I was right on schedule. I arrived, promptly at 7:05pm, and not a minute later.
I'll never forget that sight, walking up Main towards Starbucks. It was staying lighter longer, as our weird winter/spring gave way to our spring/summer, and the sun was still peaking over the buildings across the street. Enough to give a warm glow to the young man sitting in the chairs by the window, who by this time is a little peeved that I am "late". No one ever told him that when a woman arrives, that makes her on time. ;) But when he looked out the window and saw me, I could tell there was no aggravation in his demeanor. He stood up smiling, making me feel totally out of place, in his black fleece and t-shirt, over jeans and Sketchers. Oh well, so I'm over dressed. He'll get used to that. :)
